NEW SITE!!!!

Found a new site! Am still slowly working out the bugs but from now on, I'll be yelling at a different location: Busy Doing Nuthin'

See you on the flip side......

Your Future Self...

If the future you could fax a statement to you, what would it say?

Perhaps it would say that dressing your dog up in stupid shirts was a bad idea or maybe that it's not as bad as the woman outside Nestors that puts a hoodie on her poodle and covers it's little ears.... terrible look by the way.

Want to Clarify...

As I've been over thinking things as I do (who else remembers conversations from when they were 8?) I want to clarify that I welcome the critiques as they add to fuel to the blogging fire & spawn stuff I may otherwise forget like the STORK... didn't write about the stork... will write about the stork when I know more about the stork & it's not the stork that brings babies but rather it brings disease and conquers the world. Yes you should be confused as was I for most of the night.

more to come on storks & other non sensical musings

Inappropriate Started at a Young Age...

You may recall my friend, Nanz (seriously the best picture EVER. I've had to promise her that I wouldn't post this on facebook). Well, I met her the first day of grade three as she was the new kid in class when at recess, I grabbed her hand & exclaimed "Let's play!" and dragged her out to the see saws (Am realizing that I wasn't just inappropriate but bossy then too... )

Now, it may occur to you that there is nothing wrong with just transpired and you're right there was nothing wrong with what had just transpired. In fact, it could even be deemed cute that I welcomed the new girl with such exuberance. It's more what I said AFTER we met up with her sister that could turn some heads & ask "'scuze me?"

If you recall, I'm the same girl that played 'I'm the only Gay Eskimo' to the gay guy at work and reiterated Will Ferrel's Neil Diamond sketch to the Columbian immigrant '...my creativity is fueled by my hatred for immigrants & breaks into Coming to America...'

So it's of no surprise that the first thing that popped out of my mouth would be "I've never seen people like you before!"

Yea, I said that.... and it isn't because she is black.... it's because she's half black. Yea, loved my mom but I think she slept in the morning she was to teach me manners. You see, I used to see Nanz, her sister & her mother (who is white) at swimming lessons at the pool during the summer and I did what any clueless child in that situation would do... I stared and for long periods of time to the point where Dressage (her sister) gave me the eye stare back (you know you look at the person & bug your eyes out back at them to say 'yes, F off, I can see you staring at me).

I once asked a friend around the same time "How was the funeral?" and was told you NEVER ask that question... and to my recollection, have never uttered those words again... You see, I DO learn from my mistakes... just tell me. Course, I'll just find other ways to embarrass others (it's never me at the time, I'm clueless). Talk to loud, fall down and so on.. the list just grows....

I'm the only Gay Eskimo...

I've been listening to this for years & actully thought for years it was from SNL and featured Jack Black. This is because I downloaded from limewire (I don't steal music) and I can make up what it would look like in my head which is actuallly WAAAAAAAAAAAAY funnier then what I ended up seeing today. Although... still a chuckle




What's even better is that I played this for the unconfirmed gay guy at work (only unconfirmed at the time. I later met his partner. Also I'm the only one that picked up on it... For no reason either. One day I just looked at him & decided to start using partner instead of gf. I have the gaydar) ... So apparently I'm so inappropriate to the point of it being cute because I'm so clueless.

My other favourite moment was singing the words to Will Ferrell's sketch on SNL of Neil Diamond, to the woman who had immigrated here from Columbia & I quote:

"My creativity is fueled by my hatred for immigrants" and then sang "Coming to America"

I actually saw Ceasar's mouth open to stop me from spitting it out but the words fell out of my mouth non the less and instead, she hung her head & shook it. Yea, I'm classy.

the trouble with blogs..

So I was chastised on Saturday because my post about last weekend read like one long inside joke which does happen from time to time as I have to decide whether or not I'm going to let you in on the joke and then I'm really trying to decide between a super long as post or a continuous post for days........

It also got asked whether or not I had sex in that post. I want to clear this up now, I have not nor have I ever had sex on this blog . There are certain things I will write about & reveal about myself. My hoo ha being a big topic of that nature but sex will never get talked about. Mostly because I figure I could start another website and charge for that kind of information (JOKE.. it's a joke. It was pointed out to me that you don't always know it's a joke).

But in all honesty, I would never talk about that subject for several reasons. One of which, it's really non of your business. If there is a ancedote where that would be part of the story, I tend to glaze over it & trust you are smart enough to read between the lines.

Secondly, this is supposed to be a funny & light hearted blog. I make jokes. Nothing serious gets written about (with a few exceptions) but I don't like to air real relationship dirty laundry out in the open. If I do, it would be quite veiled. If I am talking about you, aka: Trainwreck, I pretty much have lost all respect for you and value nothing that transpires between the 2 of us. However, someone like Furniture Man did get mentioned but in the context of me visiting him. But I would like to think you don't know the intimate details of our relationship as that is private. If I do refer to sex... it is ALWAYS for the joke or even to move the story along. Even they kiss in disney movies.

Thirdly, I have family that reads this... I don't want them knowing everything.. weird!

Fourth & last point. I have a time buffer too. If something happened this past weekend that would be a good story but seems too soon to talk about... I'd wait about a year. The cousin date was funny because it happened in 1999. Ok, so it's just funny but I would probably start making fun of my break up with Furniture Man a year from now as the dust has settle & feelings are no longer really an issue.

But bottom line... Nothing of any real value to me gets unfolded here. If I could tell a stranger the story, I will write it. (I have become very comfortable talking about my hoo ha). Which is funny as some guys I have dated have read this & I'm pretty sure it freaks them out because they think I'm some big party girl but as I've said many many times, the stories where I just sit there aren't as funny.

So no, I didn't have sex with the gay guy I dated either... he just watched.

I'm also debating about switching from Blogger so I can multiple pages so I can have the rules of the blog and a cast of characters handy for reference.... as some ppl do not like their names but as of the weekend have found ones that stick.

I'm looking for a Good Labial Crack

I got ahead of myself yesterday when I referenced a person I had yet to write about. I also can't believe I failed to mention one of the biggest characters I have met in some time I'll name Pathological. I use the word character because I am not sure if I met the real him or a composite of him.

On the Sunday of the Labour Day weekend, 15 of us got together to go wine touring in Kelowna (huge wine country up there). Course we had hired a van to drive us around as none of us are responsible enough to spit & drive. So we piled into 2 vans. One of which had a very young (21) hot blonde driver to which Dickhouse couldn't help admiring. Quick to his aid, as a good friend and wingman is, Pathological tells the hot driver that Dickhouse is a Google Earth Pilot...

Yes, a Google Earth Pilot. You know how Google Earth has photographs of pretty much everywhere on earth up to the minute.. well as the story goes, pilots fly all over to capture those moments for the web (and you thought it was satellite) and Dickhouse is one of them... I'm not sure if she didn't believe him either but I have to admit Pathological has a certain je ne sais quoi when he tells a story. Charisma doesn't quite sum it up perhaps convincing does.

Before I was introduced to him, I was informed of this tale he told the driver.. I was also told he likes to lie.... like all the time. Not lying as he puts it. As he puts it, girls don't want to hear about the boring marketing bla bla that you do on a daily basis. THIS, this is a conversation starter. You start off by telling someone you're a Google earth pilot and before you know it, you're engrossed in conversation... yes, it's gross.

For example Mr Profession told us he is a Chiropractic Gynecologist and we giggled. (may have been the wine). And he says.. I know! I know! everyone laughs but it is real.

"I studied down in California just recently moved back to Vancouver to open my own practice there" he explains.

He then he goes on to explain any objections you may have as he's heard it ALL before. This especially comes in handy when the girl at hand has her boyfriend standing there objecting to what Pathological is saying. WITHOUT flinching he can masterfully not only pull off this lie but you start to think you should make an appointment with him. It's a beautiful thing.

If you go through my friends on facebook (and oh YOU too could be one... ), you'll note he said he know me because we "met randomly in 2007: We worked together at a Chiropractic Gynecological Facility in San Diego". Felt so honoured to be part of the lie because let's face it, I LOOOOOVE a good story.

Course when I met the OBGYN on Saturday, my first instinct was to ask if he knew Pathological as I figured that was just a conversation starter.... course when I realized he REALLY was a doctor, I could not help myself from talking about my Hoo Ha for 20 minutes (yes, I keep bringing that up ... it too is a beautiful thing).

When I emailed Pathological to tell him of my amusing encounter, he asked me if I have developed my own fake profession... It's a delicate thing. You don't just make something up that would be totally believable but you create something kind of odd that makes the person think is she/he or isn't she/he? The more ostentatious the lie... the more likely the person will believe... But I had nothing. Not 2 minutes after hitting send I got this in my inbox:

"Highly suggest something like, "Lead Negotiator for NetJets." You work with Bombardier, Gulfstream, Lear, Honda, etc., to negotiate the lease/buy contracts for all of the aircraft in the fleet. Your dad was a pilot so you grew up around planes. And after attending Law School at UCLA you decided that you'd prefer to use your skills to negotiate contracts. You moved back to Vancouver since NetJets has an alliance connection to MillionAir at the YVR and it's an easy direct flight from Vancouver to all of the major manufacturers. Oh my god this rocks!"

I'm telling you this shit just rolls off his tongue... I have 3 weeks to get this story down with a straight face for his party. Course he'll be there helping the tale along... can't wait!

Business Time

Thank you Shaloah for all the links this week.... Happy Friday! wish it was Wednesday.

My Apartment....

So let's say we meet. We chat. We get to know each other. You tell me where you live. Perhaps it's Langley. I tell you I live downtown in Yaletown. You think that's fancy. Although, I know what a shoebox of a home I live in, you wonder what my apartment looks like. So you say to me "Wanna show me what a Yaletown apartment looks like?" except instead of an email we're at Bar None, and instead of 2pm it's 2 am and instead of being sober we're hammered AND instead of you being attractive, you're one creepy ass married guy from Toronto.

Yea... no matter which way you ask that... it's creepy.

So I totally did him. Ok, so it was more like I looked at him with disgust and walked away to talk to someone I considered to be 'safe'.... my friend's old boss. Which under normal circumstances IS a safe person. As he is in no way a threat nor is he a dick BUT when asked "So are you coming over to have sex?" I feel the need to flee and straight into a limo with the Toronto Argonauts.... Since when did hanging out with a Football team become the best choice? Well, let me take you back to a time I like to call Saturday night.

Saturday started when I met up with some girlfriends down at Opus as they took out a bride to be for dinner as they couldn't attend her stagette up in Whistler this weekend. It was also High rise's birthday so he and the boys went to the Lion's game for a little football action and beer. I met up with the girls at Opus (worst service EVER!) and we headed over to Glowbal for birthday fun.

Glowbal is divided into 2 sections the restaurant up front and the lounge, After Glo, in the back. The back room was pretty much filled with our friends. It's not a big place but when everyone is piled up directly in front of the bar, it makes for an even more crowded venue. Everywhere you turn, there are people. One time I turned and started chatting with an OBGYN.

I automatically think he's friends with the Pathological liar I met up in Kelowna (story to come and realize this part would have been funnier if I had explained my new friend to you) so I kept asking him.. do you know Mike. When I realize that he is indeed an OBGYN, I couldn't help myself, I had to tell him my stirrup story. I couldn't help myself, I have never met one of them out of their natural environment (between my legs) and I told him this. He wanted to remind me that they are people too which I agree with but I just don't want mine to exist outside of that little room. As far as I'm concerned no one really LOOKS at my Hoo ha as long or to the extent to which those doctors do. He told me it's all business. Sure, but last time I checked I never just took off my pants & placed a paper sheet across me for kicks & giggles. (I'm now picturing one messed up sexual experience)...

I don't know how to recover from talking to a stranger about my hoo ha so I moved along. Perhaps because I bring up my crotch when I first meet someone or perhaps I'm always looking in the wrong places but honestly, I think the real reason I'm single is because I'm mildly retarded... there really is no other way to explain how I never pick up on the fact I'm being hit on... or at least in a subtle way.

So I'm talking to someone I deemed geeky at first but after speaking with for some time, gained points on the hottie scale. I loved that he was decked out in name brand clothes head to ankle and then donned 12 dollar shoes. (well not LOVED as I always look at shoes but I like the fact he wore something because he liked them vs it's cool or what have you and it's funny) ANYWAYS... we chat & I do something I never do... I offered to buy him a drink. Mostly because I'm cheap but to be honest, guys usually are buying me drinks probably because it's something they think they should do and the fastest & easiest way for me to say yes to the disgusting things their going to suggest in my ear.

So I buy him and the birthday boy a drink and we chat some more (now, it's some on into the night & I've inbibed quite a bit so the next part of the conversation is a little fuzzy to me) He says to me "You're 32 how could I date you?" and I retort "oh yea, I know I'm not 18"... and he says "no no... "How could I date you?". You know what I heard? "Yea, there is no way in hell I 'd be seen out with you in public" not the as I've later been explained to "please inform me what to do here"... yea, so after I shot him down now twice (which was the real goal with me spending time & money on a guy I'm trying to get to know) he mentions that I should go to the party he's leaving the bar for. I THEN explain that I'm sticking with my girls that night (why???? they don't care. They leave me all the time) and then he left... with out me.. Yes, if I were a movie , it'd be about here you'd either be yelling at the screen what an idiot I am or getting up & leaving because I liken my stupidity to Jon Favreau's character in Swingers.... painful.

Anyways, Glowbal shut down and me and my girls headed to Bar None (knew I stayed with them for a reason) It was about here where the night went from drunk to drunker. We headed into the back VIP area and ran into several of the players from Toronto... I of course tell them I don't like the CFL or Toronto and this could be the answer to psycho player on Brutal's couch that asked me why I was there, all of his friends were all over me. True I was talking to several people .. whether or not they played is another question. I basically just told them how much I hate the leafs and then was asked to show off my apartment so I went to the bar where it was 'safe' but even better, get plied with alcohol. So as the ugly lights were being turned on, I was being asked if I was coming over for some good luvin'.... yea? what was that Bell? You're going outside? let me run er walk with you.

Standing outside collecting ourselves presented a bit of a conundrum for Bell... does she go with the giant player or go home... I had one question: Is he NOT the hottest guy you've ever seen? so she ran off only to come scurrying back 2 seconds later "His friend wants to meet you". Seeing as my hot sexy proposition was explaining to me that I'm the one missing out, I happily ran off to jump in a limo with the lot of them and go... TWO BLOCKS??? yea, they dropped us off at Sui Hang, the late night chinese restaurant that's known for it's 'special tea' (beer) on Granville Street. Declining to go in, I scampered off to Brutal's place only to find creepy & yet another player on her couch. I would have just turned around and gone home but my feet were in SEARING pain so I needed to sit off the pain for a few moments.

Moral of the story: get some confidence in yourself & always wear comfortable shoes.

The Male Phoebe

Thank you Shaloah for passing this ditty along to me. The first one is about 3 minutes long & the second is about a minute and a half. Granted their a new testament to having songs that won't leave your head but are FUH-NEE......



This is an offering to the Punk & Grunge People out there